Hello

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Yay! So I missed several days of posting here...

Well, there are times I want a sacred space and to be alone. Sometimes, I lack inspiration or motivation especially on posting photos which I really love to do.

Somewhere (hmm.. heart or brain?) in me wants to do something, but I'm still figuring what it is until now.

Sad. Lonely. That's what I feel.

Or maybe....

I Need a Replacement

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One thing I learned from motherhood is that high heels and babies don't go together. I don't know if all Moms would agree to that.

I could not remember the last time I wore sexy shoes like that, but I did when I really need to. Wearing high heeled shoes is something I could not bring myself to do. Its because I'm not comfortable. End of explanation.

I'm more on flats and flip flops. 

The main point here is my ever favorite sandals (Sanuk ) is going to retire soon. The most comfortable pair of sandals that I have (the only one).

Sad.

Yes, I need to replace it hopefully soon... 

Here I am Again

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I said to myself not to overly whine at certain things as it will only lead to stress and bad vibes. However, I could not resist nor shake off the thoughts that's  in my head. It becomes worse even more as time goes by especially when triggered by annoying actions from someone I expect to change.

I will not mention names.

Here I am again *expecting* when I said again that I should not expect anymore or I should expect less. How could I not expect when I know change is a must! When I know I'm doing my part to change too?

I just feel its unfair in my part.No, that's not being too selfish when I said my "part". Because I know that it should be reciprocated. 

Well, I guess... I guess its time to really not expect anymore. And I hope there's an easy way to do that too...

*sigh*

Praying for Safety

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Never in a day that we fail to talk about Mr. L.

Well, who would not?

When our safety is at stake?

We are clinging to God's protection the most. And it helps a lot to know that there are several people in the neighborhood that truly care and willing to help us.

How I wish Dad is still alive. When he's around we feel safe and secured. There is someone who will protect the rest of us and we will never feel this kind of feelings -scared, alone, and the like.

Good Lord, protect us always.

Temporary Relief

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If you are following my blogs, or if you happened to read this post yesterday, then maybe you would understand the reason why I am writing this post now.

But then, let me start this blog by saying I am grateful that we had a safe night last night. Thank you Lord.

And another thing to be thankful today, the cause of our troubles was already nowhere in sight. Again, thank you Lord.


Upon arrival from school this morning, I was happy to know that Mr. L (short for lunatic) was off going somewhere with his bag. He's heading to the same place where he's staying whenever he's not around here. So what a joy and more on relief for all of us here. Because when he's around, all of us are not peaceful. Scared that Mr. L would throw a fit and create trouble as he often does when he runs out of money.

To make the long story short, probably his dad (my grandfather) gave him money today and that explains his sudden action to go. That's always the scenario, a cycle that becoming insanely bad and wrong. Money is his pacifier. Ugh.

Yesterday, everyone of us were scared and angry at the same time. My mom for sure has the terrible feeling among us. Who wouldn't feel angry when that L attacked her for no sensible reasons but all out of assumptions and maybe paranoia.

My mom is just a woman- very fragile but contained herself somehow from getting too ireful during that time. Compared to that L, who is forever mindless of his actions. Crazy, he really is.

When mom told me that story, I feel a sudden attack of anger. I blurted out things so bad out of my feelings. I feel like I want that L to disappear even if it takes me to hire a killer. Forgive me Lord for saying it. But that L is too unbearable and intolerable anymore.

But then again, I think I'm too smart now to commit such actions. And yet, the wish of something bad for that L still lingers in my head. Geeezz.. It's too fresh to move on especially now that another bad news came to us this afternoon.

How can a father tell another person who is not a relative but a friend of my dad that he DOESN'T CARE when Mom got killed by his own lunatic son???? Its like he said straight, "Go son killed that woman." Geeezzz... How bad that seems right? Not to mention its too wrong coming from the mouth of my grandfather.

Very dishonorable word.

Our hearts crushed. Don't know what to feel anymore.

Rage. Vengeance.

Help us Lord.

Praying for a permanent relief, peaceful nights.